Cold and unpersonal guidelines for saying goodbye…

For backstory: My friend is moving soon and we’ve made the usual jokes about him leaving and a heartfelt goodbye ceremony. Because of this, I’ve decided to spell out exactly how I feel about these personal matters in a list of guidelines and what to expect…


  1. Saying goodbye when you don’t actually have a soul is akin to losing something you never actually had. Or perhaps you lost it a long time ago and this is just another instance of disappointment and loss that won’t quite make it past your wooden shell into the fleshy nut that is your adult self…
  2. Your feelings are disgusting. Get them away from me now.
  3. If I think of anyone as my “best friend”, I keep that to myself. It’s meant to be implied. Real men don’t go around talking like that unless they’re gonna get married. Do you want to marry me?
  4. Sentimentality has no function. Does not compute. Does not compute. Doesnotcomputecomputecompute…
  5. Nostalgia is okay. It’s our guaranteed future sadness concerning the past. But first we have to get past the awkward formalities so we can appreciate the wistfulness alone in the privacy of our shell.
  6. I don’t attend weddings, funerals, concerts, or any other social gathering for the same reason why I’ll skip out on the going away party: Those are gatherings of feelings. Feelings are scary, and most of the times gross.
  7. Bottling up emotions is a lot cooler and more manly than gushing tears out the eyes, nose, and mouth.
  8. People are too personal and outward with their awkward businesses anyway. I think the best emotions really are implied. It’s probably an American thing to wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t get your metaphorical heart-shaped heart near me if you want to keep your physical, bleeding and beating one.
  9. To face others feelings you are forced to face your own. Screw that. I’ve got enough problems without actually facing any of them.
  10. I didn’t have to practice that cold, dead-inside look in my eyes. That just kind of happened.

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